Last year wasn’t such a great year for me in terms of personal well being. I had a lot of frustration and because I wasn’t happy, everybody in the family wasn’t happy either.
Being a stay-at-home-mom was still difficult for me and while I wanted to be home for the girls and husband, besides myself (mostly for the purpose of traveling whenever the girls are out of school), I still didn’t feel like I was living a full life. While many of my friends told me how lucky I was, I just didn’t feel it.
I started to get angry at the girls if they didn’t do their best. Mediocre wasn’t good enough. It was my time after all that they’re using. I would get angry at my husband every time he forgot something. In my mind, forgetting was him disrespecting me. Little things became big things and about summer time I had a melt down. I was really ready to see a therapist!
Luckily I had a supportive husband who kind of understood (not his fault, I’m a bit hard to get) and while frustrated, he gave me some space. For a good few weeks I was in a very foul mood but slowly I started to figure myself out. I guess I am really good at reflecting on my life when things are really bad. Although I do plan on reflecting earlier the next time I have problems.
A few things were wrong and I had to fix it.
The kids were the main problem. I spent way too much time on trying to make them happy that I forgot about my own happiness. It was not their fault. It was mostly mine.
You see, growing up I wasn’t allowed to do many things. Studying had to be my main priority and activities such as sports and socialising were frowned upon. I wanted to go to parties, stay until the end and not be picked up when my dad said I should be picked up. I wanted to take swimming and gymnastics lessons, or even just go swimming with the class. But I wasn’t allowed. I have never been away on a field trip, no camping with the Scouts, and even hanging out with friends I had to disguise as a study group session.
I want the girls to have a memorable childhood and be able to do whatever club their heart desire. Even if I have to stay home and drive 45 minutes each way to make this happen.
In the midst of all that I lost myself . I lost the motivation to do the things I usually love doing and I also pushed my husband to the side.
During my reflective period, I decided that I need to find myself something to do that I love. After a bit of looking, and luck, I landed a web developing project with a non-profit just down the road. To not stretch myself too thin, I quit volunteering with the Red Cross on base. While I made some great friends the two years with them, the work I had to do got to be repetitive and I was bored.
I had a sit down with the kids and told them that even though they’re free to do whatever club they desire, I want them to be serious about it since all but swimming (for Jovie) are either expensive or time consuming. If any of you are gymnastics parents, you know what I’m talking about. It’s a part-time job!
My husband and I had a heart-to-heart and I think we’re heading towards the right direction. We’ve done more things together, discussed the girls’ welfare together and just putting us first.
Coming into 2016 felt so much better than 2015. I feel like there is a balance in not only my life but the three others living with me. We’re all trying to not only do better but to also communicate better. I did assume a lot, made (bad) decisions for everybody based on my assumptions, and well, I just proved what assuming can do to us all.
The kids are still very important in my life but they’ll one day move out and even though they’ll forever be my babies, it’ll one day just be the husband and I again. I can’t lose myself in the meantime and not have a strong relationship with the person who has been with me the longest, and hope to continue being with for the rest of my life.